When I first saw you, I saw love. And the first time you touched me, I felt love. And after all this time, you’re still the one I love.
I’ve spent years building this wall up so that I can stand behind it and make sure that I never get hurt. That I am the one watching others get hurt and learning from their mistakes. But for half a year now, I’ve been abandoning my safe hideout to go out and feel what I never wanted to feel before. My heart has been iced over for so long now that when you’re here, there’s no stopping the melting.
I hate that I like you so much, I hate that feeling that I may be played but I am totally okay with it. I hate that I know that you will end up leaving me like everyone else, yet I still choose to stick by your side…. yet I still choose to be the one to be left behind again.
I have never admitted that I like you, but you know that I do like you. We both know that we like one another, but you’re the only one that has ever said those words out loud. I am sorry that I can’t because… if I really do admit that I like you I feel like my heart will be ripped out from my chest for real this time and I will be unable to get it back. I am sorry that I can’t tell you I want to kiss you because if I do, I know that it will happen and after it does, I will forever have that burned onto my lips… then when you’re gone it will be this “silly” “alligator” that is left behind writhing in agony.
When I talk about you, think about you, see you, dream about you, every nerve in my body yearns to be near you wrapped in your protective arms. You’ve become my drug. When I am tired, sad, upset, not in the mood and you show up… it’s as if my world has been rattled up. And when you slip your arms around me I feel this intense energy that makes me smile and makes me feel nothing but happiness and butterflies.
You asked me if you could kiss me, and I stupidly said no…. (my mind wasn’t working at that moment). I always tell you to close your eyes and you do it… which makes me smile. But you also always ask me why, aside from me liking you… this is my other secret that I (if I have the ability too) will never tell you. Ever time you close your eyes I get close enough that I can kiss you on the cheek (childish?) but then I chicken out.
You asked me what my secret was? Why I want you to close your eyes so often… one is because I like to look at your face ;) haha but the other reason… I kinda want to kiss you (I’m such a kid right?)
But when I see you again this week, I know you will ask me why I don’t want to tell you… and I have finally found my answer.
"I am scared of the answer no."